Progress??

1. Marry LD
2. Walk across the St. johns bridge
3. Lose 25lbs
4. Visit KB in NYC
5. Visit CB in TN
6. Take LD to Europe
7. Write something of note
8. Adopt a puppy
9. Get a masters
10. build a bookcase
11. sing with a band
12. perform on a stage
13. learn to do my hair
14. do something charitable
15. get a 3^rd tattoo
16. Road trip
17. Run in a 5k
18. Create something to sell at Alberta
19. Buy a house
20. Find a career that speaks to me
21. Help LD start his business
22. Organize!
23. Meet new people
24. Learn another Language
25. Learn to weld
26. Get a massage on a beach in Hawaii
27. Throw an epic party
28. Decorate every home I live in
29. Read 100 new novels
30. Discover and become the person I was meant to be

Well two down....and already my goals are changing. I don't know that these goals are things I particularly want anymore and I'm not even a year into this exercise. I feel restless and I want to make some drastic change. It feels like I've been paused for the last few months and now I feel so far behind. I just can't seem to make the want to do something and the actual action connect. I hate that my life is so far from what I imagined and at the same time this is my life and I'm missing out on all the good things because they're not what I expected.


I want to get married, I do but I've been putting way to much pressure on myself and LD to make this the event that will kick start my life. I want to marry him because I love him and it's a step we want to take together..and it its been FOUR years, but I'm not making it fun anymore. I'm also not sure that marriage is the right thing for us and my religious guilt is just a crutch I'm using to push us both. I don't know. I think there's a lot I need to do for myself before we take that leap. Like dye my hair pink. I want to be selfish right now.


I think I may re-work my 30x30 list, a few tweaks here and there to reflect what I really want instead of what I think I may need to prove myself and make others happy. I think I'm also going to set up risks for myself. One a week. Today I'm going to run across the Broadway bridge all by myself, and then I'm going to do it 3 times a week from now on. 


I'm going to be 27 in less then a month. My sis is coming up and after her visit LD and I head to Vegas. I need to step up my game.

frustrations

I swear to the good Lord above - if one more person talks about their engagement I will scream.

too many negative thoughts right now.

too much to say

I know every person who starts a blog gets to the point where you stop writing and then so much time has passed you no longer no what to write because if you wrote about all the things that had happend, well it would take 2 weeks to read, and hell I don't have that kind of time.

Here are a few highlights from the last few weeks (months?)

• LD has given his 2 week notice, rented a space and will now be his own boss in his own upholstery shop. Once he is a little more established I will cross this off my list!
• Plans for a trip to Hawaii are in place... yay! Need to lose weight and buy adorable swimsuit!!!!!!!
• I've lost 3 lbs - although the chocolate croissant and orange mocha I just ate/drank ......
• I've read 4 new books, I think well at least 3  
• Everyone is coming to visit me!!!!!!!!!!!! Yay! Can't wait until next weekend and October!
• LD's sister is coming up next month to sell at the Alberta street fair, I may have to join her.
• Our house is Finally coming together - will try (and fail) to post pics soon.
• It's sunny and warm, and I can't help but be happy - Life is pretty good at the moment

27 is coming fast, so much to accomplish....

Oatmeal and other thoughts

Yesterday was Fathers' Day and I celebrated by eating some delicious oatmeal. My pops is awesome, and probably one of the better father's out there. I love him a whole lot, hence the eating of the oatmeal.

These types of holidays (Dad's day and Mom's day), well really any holiday where I'm not around, are hard. Hearing them have a great time without me makes me jealous of all the things I'm missing. Granted I chose to move 1000 miles away, but sometimes I forget just how far away I am. My family is amazing, I'm a lucky bastard, I know. It's just lately I've been feeling isolated. Lately it's been hard to listen to them talk about how much fun they all had together, especially when I'm not having all that much fun myself.

I've always had a problem with jealousy and pride. I want to be happy for the people I love, I want them to have nice things, and fulfill their dreams. I just want the same for myself. When they tell me how awesome their lives are, I want to tell them my life is awesome too! And when I can't, I can't talk to them. I've been having issues lately, nothing big, I'm just not awesome. I miss my group of girlfriends, but I can't talk to them right now, because I have nothing good to say. I haven't actually spoken to my best friend in months, we text and leave voice-mails, but we haven't caught up in a while. She is living her dream and thriving, and I hate not knowing all the details, but I'm also jealous of her success and I'm afraid of how small and unimportant I will feel after speaking with her. I'm an idiot for this, but I'm also tired of feeling like a failure. I have these grand ideas of how my life is supposed to be. It's not my life right now, and I don't really know how to make the life in my mind match up with reality. I don't want to keep saying it's going to get better, you're going to figure it out. I just want it to happen.

I'm tired of my self pity - and God, I feel for LD for having to put up with it. He is about to embark on his dreams, and I am so happy for him, but I've been such a naggy bitch lately. I'm so jealous of him, and I hate that I am. I hate that I begrudge him his success, because I'm not successful. I hate that I feel so shitty all the time and I have no reason too. I am blessed beyond belief, I am only 26, I'm employed, I'm in love with someone who puts up with my shit, I have a house (rented) and money (and debt - but eh) , I have an amazing family 1000 miles away who I will see in 3 weeks, I have faith, I had a good childhood, nothing seriously bad has ever happened to me and I know all this. I know how lucky I am, so why do I feel so fucking sad?

I'm tired of this post now. I'm tired of this subject in general, and I don't want to talk about it anymore. I know that I need to change my perspective, and continue to get out of bed, and continue to try. It's going to get better. Today I'll start running, and I'll clean my room and I'll make an amazing dinner and kiss LD's face off, and tomorrow I'll get out of bed again, and I'll keep getting out of bed and one day I'll figure out what I want to do with my life and I'll be happy. I'll be happy one day, and I guess for now that has to be enough.

some thoughts

I've been wanting to write a short story about breaking up with a boy who has just proposed, but I'm afraid people will take it the wrong way.

I get to see my whole family in a few weeks and I am so excited, although there will be a pool which means I will probably need a new bathing suit UGH. I am getting my wisdom teeth pulled next week so maybe not being able to eat anything solid for 10 days will make swim suit shopping a little less painful.

Part of this trip involves work - I am DREADING this part, mostly because I feel unprepared and I, um hate? the people I will have to see here.

But Nieces and Nephew! And HP and VP and M&D and BH and CC and CHILI's!!!!!!!!!!!! Nachos here I come!

I threw a spectacularly horrible party last weekend, it was sooooooooo awkward and just bad. I am trying not to dwell on it, I'm trying not to dwell on anything negative at all right now.

I am thinking of entering a 5k on July 30th, I think I can do it and cross it off the list. Then I will say I did it and never post anything about it, because I'm lame like that.

I want a new tattoo.

I also want a puppy.

It's June and Gloomy outside. What are the odds I'll actually try to run today?

creepy dream

last night I watched the new Extreme Makeover Weight loss Edition. It was disturbing and cheesy, and yes it did inspire me to work out, but it also inspired me to eat a burger with bacon, cheese and Awesome in the middle. I had no idea I'd come out of this show with a new recipe. Awesome!

I just posted the above when I realized I didn't say anything about my creepy dream where I had a baby and decided it was a good idea for LD and I to leave the newborn in my apartment while we went and got coffee. When we got back I was a little anxious as my neighbor threatened to turn me into the dreams version of social services. I luckily talked  her out of it by explaining that I was hormonal and that the baby was fine in its car carrier. It was weird. And creepy.

Bridges & Pigs

I've been meaning to write the post about how I walked across the St. Johns Bridge and crossed an item off my list and yada yada yada, but it's hard to revel in my bridge success when my jobs makes me feel like jumping from one. (a bridge, not a success- because you can't throw yourself off a success, it's not a noun). I hate that my awesomeness has been overshadowed with two shitty weeks of work,but what can you do? I guess I could quit, but the people are nice and the job pays for the mediocre lifestyle I've grown accustomed too. Not to mention that someone has to bankroll LD's new job, well if they want a share in the profits anyways. I look forward when I can finally be the woman of leisure I so desire to be. A day when I can make reading books in the park my actual job as I watch pigs fly over the horizon.