Yesterday was Fathers' Day and I celebrated by eating some delicious oatmeal. My pops is awesome, and probably one of the better father's out there. I love him a whole lot, hence the eating of the oatmeal.
These types of holidays (Dad's day and Mom's day), well really any holiday where I'm not around, are hard. Hearing them have a great time without me makes me jealous of all the things I'm missing. Granted I chose to move 1000 miles away, but sometimes I forget just how far away I am. My family is amazing, I'm a lucky bastard, I know. It's just lately I've been feeling isolated. Lately it's been hard to listen to them talk about how much fun they all had together, especially when I'm not having all that much fun myself.
I've always had a problem with jealousy and pride. I want to be happy for the people I love, I want them to have nice things, and fulfill their dreams. I just want the same for myself. When they tell me how awesome their lives are, I want to tell them my life is awesome too! And when I can't, I can't talk to them. I've been having issues lately, nothing big, I'm just not awesome. I miss my group of girlfriends, but I can't talk to them right now, because I have nothing good to say. I haven't actually spoken to my best friend in months, we text and leave voice-mails, but we haven't caught up in a while. She is living her dream and thriving, and I hate not knowing all the details, but I'm also jealous of her success and I'm afraid of how small and unimportant I will feel after speaking with her. I'm an idiot for this, but I'm also tired of feeling like a failure. I have these grand ideas of how my life is supposed to be. It's not my life right now, and I don't really know how to make the life in my mind match up with reality. I don't want to keep saying it's going to get better, you're going to figure it out. I just want it to happen.
I'm tired of my self pity - and God, I feel for LD for having to put up with it. He is about to embark on his dreams, and I am so happy for him, but I've been such a naggy bitch lately. I'm so jealous of him, and I hate that I am. I hate that I begrudge him his success, because I'm not successful. I hate that I feel so shitty all the time and I have no reason too. I am blessed beyond belief, I am only 26, I'm employed, I'm in love with someone who puts up with my shit, I have a house (rented) and money (and debt - but eh) , I have an amazing family 1000 miles away who I will see in 3 weeks, I have faith, I had a good childhood, nothing seriously bad has ever happened to me and I know all this. I know how lucky I am, so why do I feel so fucking sad?
I'm tired of this post now. I'm tired of this subject in general, and I don't want to talk about it anymore. I know that I need to change my perspective, and continue to get out of bed, and continue to try. It's going to get better. Today I'll start running, and I'll clean my room and I'll make an amazing dinner and kiss LD's face off, and tomorrow I'll get out of bed again, and I'll keep getting out of bed and one day I'll figure out what I want to do with my life and I'll be happy. I'll be happy one day, and I guess for now that has to be enough.
