I should totally do it more.
And so should you, VP!
500 words by Monday...
Ready.....
Set.....
GO!
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
In which I am honest with myself
For the past two days I have been undergoing the preparation and administration of a couple of procedures (of which I will not go into too much detail) to deal with an ongoing um....tummy problem. Initial results were good, but I am still waiting to hear back about some biopsy results. While most of me is positive that the results will come back great, and that I will be happy to know that there is nothing wrong; the other part is terrified that this will be the case.
I don't want to be sick, but if this whole thing doesn't turn something up then I am back at square one trying to figure out what the hell is wrong. It's been two years and a string of doctors, who can't seem to figure it out. This makes me feel crazy and maybe it is all in my head. I don't want to go to another specialist and still not know whats going on. Maybe my issues with food has made my body afraid to deal with it (now if this meant that I actually lost a lot of weight and couldn't put it back on, well I would have a party... I kid, I kid). Maybe this is how my body has decided to deal with stress now, though I always thought it was satisfied with grinding my teeth. Maybe it is all in my head, maybe I want to be sick and so I'm making myself feel symptoms of being sick. This thought terrifies me the most.
I'm afraid that my longing to feel some sort of purpose or active engagement has made me want to be sick. If I had some sort of life altering disease it would force me to change the way I live. It would force me to change my diet, to figure out what it is that I truly want to do with this life, it would allow me to throw consequence to the wind and take the risks I've been afraid to take. This thought sickens me, to think that I'm waiting for a death sentence to jump start my life. I almost need there to be something wrong now, to prove that I am not the cause. I am so afraid that this is the cause, because how fucking pathetic is that? But if this is the case, if it is something I have brought upon myself, I am ready to face it, and overcome it, and jump start my life by myself.
I wasn't going to write this, I was going to write about my love for momblogs, and LDs birthday trip and post pics of really delicious food. But I need to start being honest with myself, I need to figure out a way to hold myself accountable and this place makes me feel like I can, like I should.
Shit.
I don't want to be sick, but if this whole thing doesn't turn something up then I am back at square one trying to figure out what the hell is wrong. It's been two years and a string of doctors, who can't seem to figure it out. This makes me feel crazy and maybe it is all in my head. I don't want to go to another specialist and still not know whats going on. Maybe my issues with food has made my body afraid to deal with it (now if this meant that I actually lost a lot of weight and couldn't put it back on, well I would have a party... I kid, I kid). Maybe this is how my body has decided to deal with stress now, though I always thought it was satisfied with grinding my teeth. Maybe it is all in my head, maybe I want to be sick and so I'm making myself feel symptoms of being sick. This thought terrifies me the most.
I'm afraid that my longing to feel some sort of purpose or active engagement has made me want to be sick. If I had some sort of life altering disease it would force me to change the way I live. It would force me to change my diet, to figure out what it is that I truly want to do with this life, it would allow me to throw consequence to the wind and take the risks I've been afraid to take. This thought sickens me, to think that I'm waiting for a death sentence to jump start my life. I almost need there to be something wrong now, to prove that I am not the cause. I am so afraid that this is the cause, because how fucking pathetic is that? But if this is the case, if it is something I have brought upon myself, I am ready to face it, and overcome it, and jump start my life by myself.
I wasn't going to write this, I was going to write about my love for momblogs, and LDs birthday trip and post pics of really delicious food. But I need to start being honest with myself, I need to figure out a way to hold myself accountable and this place makes me feel like I can, like I should.
Shit.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Busy
After months and months of not having a ton to do - I am SUPER busy this week. It's kinda nice, kinda annoying, kinda stressful, but at least my day goes by quickly. So much to do and LD's mystery bday is this weekend. Finally my sweet young love will only be 2 years younger than me. YEAH! Maybe tomorrow will be a little less hectic and I can write something worth reading.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Food wars
I'm a girl, in case you didn't already know, and maybe it's because I'm a girl that I have issues with body image and food. Maybe it's genetics, maybe it's because I'm Catholic and we love to feel bad about things that make us feel good, maybe it's because I was a little on the chubby side when I was young, but food is a constant source of stress for me.
Food is always on my mind. When I get up to get dressed, I think about what I ate the day prior and how that might affect what I will look like in my black skirt. When I get to work I think about if I should have a cup of coffee, will eating a few pretzels ruin my day, will a fruit snack make me sick, if I have a soda now, can I can only have water tonight? Later in the day I think about what I will make for dinner, i look up recipes that sound amazing and then think about how I can reduce the calories and still get the good taste. On the drive home I think about how I should be at the gym, but I promised LD I'd help him, or I only had water at work all day maybe hitting the gym might be a bad idea. At home I think about how hungry I am and if I should have a snack, and if I have a snack what should it be, and if I start dinner now do I really need a snack? After we eat dinner I think about how much I want something sweet, and I wish that LD would go and buy something yummy for dessert. Then I think about how bad I feel when I look in the mirror, and then eat dessert anyway because there's always tomorrow. Then I spend the rest of the night thinking about how I should go to the gym, but I'm self-conscious about how I look in front of other people and what if it's crowded? Then I go to sleep and think about what I may eat tomorrow and how I can exercise to fight off the damage I've done today.
Food makes my day long. The thing is, I know I'm not fat. I know that I'm a little overweight and unhealthy and that is what needs to change, but knowing that doesn't make it easier to deal with. I guess it doesn't help much that my beautiful LD is super tall and super thin, and can eat anything and everything he wants. I hate it! I hate having to bargain with myself all the time, I hate that I don't go a day without stressing about what I eat. I just wish I had a gene that made this a non-issue. I wish that I didn't know what fat was. I wish that I didn't need a number on a scale, or a size label to make me feel worthy. I wish that most women in America didn't feel the same way I do. I wish I was strong enough to not give a damn.
I'm working on this. Every day, and I pray that trying to get healthy will help make this a non-issue. That when I splurge on a candy bar I won't fell like I just ran over a puppy. I'm not looking for a magic cure (though I've tried) I just want to feel normal, happy about what I see in the mirror. This is nothing new, nothing groundbreaking, so if you've read a thousand things like this before, Thank God I'm not alone.
So that was fun! Yea for feeling ugly and fat!! Next time I will reveal my fascination (re: obsession) with mommy blogs.
Food is always on my mind. When I get up to get dressed, I think about what I ate the day prior and how that might affect what I will look like in my black skirt. When I get to work I think about if I should have a cup of coffee, will eating a few pretzels ruin my day, will a fruit snack make me sick, if I have a soda now, can I can only have water tonight? Later in the day I think about what I will make for dinner, i look up recipes that sound amazing and then think about how I can reduce the calories and still get the good taste. On the drive home I think about how I should be at the gym, but I promised LD I'd help him, or I only had water at work all day maybe hitting the gym might be a bad idea. At home I think about how hungry I am and if I should have a snack, and if I have a snack what should it be, and if I start dinner now do I really need a snack? After we eat dinner I think about how much I want something sweet, and I wish that LD would go and buy something yummy for dessert. Then I think about how bad I feel when I look in the mirror, and then eat dessert anyway because there's always tomorrow. Then I spend the rest of the night thinking about how I should go to the gym, but I'm self-conscious about how I look in front of other people and what if it's crowded? Then I go to sleep and think about what I may eat tomorrow and how I can exercise to fight off the damage I've done today.
Food makes my day long. The thing is, I know I'm not fat. I know that I'm a little overweight and unhealthy and that is what needs to change, but knowing that doesn't make it easier to deal with. I guess it doesn't help much that my beautiful LD is super tall and super thin, and can eat anything and everything he wants. I hate it! I hate having to bargain with myself all the time, I hate that I don't go a day without stressing about what I eat. I just wish I had a gene that made this a non-issue. I wish that I didn't know what fat was. I wish that I didn't need a number on a scale, or a size label to make me feel worthy. I wish that most women in America didn't feel the same way I do. I wish I was strong enough to not give a damn.
I'm working on this. Every day, and I pray that trying to get healthy will help make this a non-issue. That when I splurge on a candy bar I won't fell like I just ran over a puppy. I'm not looking for a magic cure (though I've tried) I just want to feel normal, happy about what I see in the mirror. This is nothing new, nothing groundbreaking, so if you've read a thousand things like this before, Thank God I'm not alone.
So that was fun! Yea for feeling ugly and fat!! Next time I will reveal my fascination (re: obsession) with mommy blogs.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Guilty pleasures are a necessity
Last night I actually accomplished a few things - (I totally did them with the TV blaring in the background.. but baby steps). I cleaned the front room, organized my giveaway/sell pile, did some laundry, organized my craft box (ridiculously excited about that one), was about to finish my taxes, but got into a snit with LD instead. Stupid snit too - over dinner - because he waited to long to go pick up our food (v. tasty and healthy chicken and rice) and the place was closed by the time he got there. So I blamed him, behaved like a butt and ended up eating a home made bean and cheese burrito while he enjoyed a delicious looking meal from the Bah Mai(sp?) food cart up the street. So shame on me, but he was still a buttnut.
Anyways, onto my guilty pleasure. Soda. I have an interesting relationship with my stomach, where it basically hates that I exist and would like to punish me for anything and everything I decide to feed it. Makes for a fun work day, let me tell ya! Most of the time I can satisfy it by not eating, and drinking only water - but sometimes it needs, no demands soda. It may be mental, but nothing makes me or my evil stomach happier than a delicious cold carbonated beverage. I know there are some who are shaking their heads in disgust, "She's trying to lose weight and she doesn't eat AND drinks SODA!!!???" and it's true I know it's not healthy, but most days it's the only way I can get through and 8 hour day at work. In my defense I have tried to stay away from the evil sodas with high fructose corn syrup and don't drink anything with artificial sweeteners (nope, no diet soda for me!) and I usually only buy organic, natural bevs for the house. But what I wouldn't give for a delicious Sunkist! However my guilt has finally stopped the pleasure from ruling my drink choice.
I stand by my first statement. Some guilty pleasures are a necessity. Therefore my soda indulgence is an excusable offense!
At least that's what I will keep telling myself...
Anyways, onto my guilty pleasure. Soda. I have an interesting relationship with my stomach, where it basically hates that I exist and would like to punish me for anything and everything I decide to feed it. Makes for a fun work day, let me tell ya! Most of the time I can satisfy it by not eating, and drinking only water - but sometimes it needs, no demands soda. It may be mental, but nothing makes me or my evil stomach happier than a delicious cold carbonated beverage. I know there are some who are shaking their heads in disgust, "She's trying to lose weight and she doesn't eat AND drinks SODA!!!???" and it's true I know it's not healthy, but most days it's the only way I can get through and 8 hour day at work. In my defense I have tried to stay away from the evil sodas with high fructose corn syrup and don't drink anything with artificial sweeteners (nope, no diet soda for me!) and I usually only buy organic, natural bevs for the house. But what I wouldn't give for a delicious Sunkist! However my guilt has finally stopped the pleasure from ruling my drink choice.
I stand by my first statement. Some guilty pleasures are a necessity. Therefore my soda indulgence is an excusable offense!
At least that's what I will keep telling myself...
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Motivation
I often think it would be awesome to be a stay at home lady of leisure, because I know I could get so much done. I know that instead of setting up reports, I would be at the gym. Instead of sending emails, I would be decorating and organizing the front room. Instead of creating events, I would be exploring my neighborhood, drinking coffee with friends, writing, cooking amazing meals and just being all around awesome. It just seems like it would be so much better for me to be at home, accomplishing the things that need to be accomplished, instead of at work...making money.
In reality I know that when I am home, my only priority is whats on TV. I have all these thoughts of what needs to be done, how I will do them in my head as I sit at my desk. The minute I get home, those thoughts, my good intentions flee as I sit my butt on the couch and flick on my other true love. I know LD hates it, but has also been drawn into it's magic power. He'll even sit through Gilmore Girls now, which is a sure sign that something needs to be done. I know that once I am home I probably won't leave, and on the weekends I want to be out of the house as much as possible because I have no resistance when it comes to the couch and it's counterpart. I've tried not to watch, not to turn it on at all, but I fail. I even tried canceling my Cable but it didn't work. I am pathetic.
In starting this blog I had it my mind that if someone else was holding me accountable for the things I say I want to do, then perhaps I might actually do them. So far, not working that great, but I am starting to feel guilty when I drive by my gym on my way home. I'm looking around my house and thinking "when I get this room together, I can take pictures and post them", which is a step in the right direction. While I may only have one follower so far (Hi V!) hopefully someday I'll have a horde of people who will help guilt me into making me the me I want to be!
So please internet friends who don't exist yet, (and possibly will ever exist), but may exist someday: Hold me accountable, cause Lord knows I sure as hell can't!
In reality I know that when I am home, my only priority is whats on TV. I have all these thoughts of what needs to be done, how I will do them in my head as I sit at my desk. The minute I get home, those thoughts, my good intentions flee as I sit my butt on the couch and flick on my other true love. I know LD hates it, but has also been drawn into it's magic power. He'll even sit through Gilmore Girls now, which is a sure sign that something needs to be done. I know that once I am home I probably won't leave, and on the weekends I want to be out of the house as much as possible because I have no resistance when it comes to the couch and it's counterpart. I've tried not to watch, not to turn it on at all, but I fail. I even tried canceling my Cable but it didn't work. I am pathetic.
In starting this blog I had it my mind that if someone else was holding me accountable for the things I say I want to do, then perhaps I might actually do them. So far, not working that great, but I am starting to feel guilty when I drive by my gym on my way home. I'm looking around my house and thinking "when I get this room together, I can take pictures and post them", which is a step in the right direction. While I may only have one follower so far (Hi V!) hopefully someday I'll have a horde of people who will help guilt me into making me the me I want to be!
So please internet friends who don't exist yet, (and possibly will ever exist), but may exist someday: Hold me accountable, cause Lord knows I sure as hell can't!
Monday, April 11, 2011
notes
- actually worked out last week (may have been only once, but I'm just gearing up)
- being paid to go to ikea and pick out furniture, after getting free sushi makes my job awesome
- the weekend was too short, but LD and I had fun going to hardware stores, arranging furniture, eating at 3 new places and of course bonding over the deals at Target
- I have a headache.
- I need a soda. (pref. an all natural type but I'd settle for a ginger ale)
- 3 hours 40min until home where I will attempt to hook up our wii so that I might dance myself into a fevered frenzie
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Slacker
I am a slacker.
Four days in and I haven't gone to the gym once.
I have excuses; not feeling well; super tired; Gilmore Girls was on....
And the chocolate I ate last night? Well that had to be eaten or it would have expired, and I am not one to waste good chocolate.
Tonight I have actual things I need to take care of so no gym. Tomorrow, however, my shoes will be in my purse and I will go!
Maybe? Hopefully?
In other news I love my new vintage clothes! They have inspired me to actually dress up and try to look cute, which may not be much but I know LD sure enjoys it!
Four days in and I haven't gone to the gym once.
I have excuses; not feeling well; super tired; Gilmore Girls was on....
And the chocolate I ate last night? Well that had to be eaten or it would have expired, and I am not one to waste good chocolate.
Tonight I have actual things I need to take care of so no gym. Tomorrow, however, my shoes will be in my purse and I will go!
Maybe? Hopefully?
In other news I love my new vintage clothes! They have inspired me to actually dress up and try to look cute, which may not be much but I know LD sure enjoys it!
Monday, April 4, 2011
Weekend Breakdown
The Good:
Friday night kicked off with a trip to an estate sale. LD is in the know in the estate sale world, which got us first dibs on an amazing collection of vintage woman's clothing. LD graciously let me go a little crazy and I ended up with a whole new wardrobe (well, sort of..I still need pants). Since this totally played into my new years resolution of not buying any brand new clothing, I felt no guilt and am supremely happy! here's two of my new dresses:
my phone camera does not do them justice at all! Anywho, after the estate sale we went to our friends bike party where i got to wear some of my new digs. We had a great time but were both exhausted by the time we got home. Saturday's perks were organizing my closet (took me about 5 hours - but I got rid of soooo much and hey ORGANIZE!) and going to New Seasons. We bought a ton of healthy, delicious food which will play in nicely with my goal to lose 25lbs. Sunday I went to church and taught, then LD and I went back to the sale to pick up a few coveted items
and then LD and I made dinner and crashed on the couch. A tame end to a nice weekend.
The Bad:
I've had a damn cold all week and it didn't want to let me enjoy my weekend, other than that and the fact that dinner last night took almost 2 hours to actually cook, it wasn't so bad.
The Ugly:
Maybe I should say the embarrassing. Friday night the party was in a big warehouse. In the middle was one of these, though a little less nice. Shortly after we arrived the crowd decided that it would be a great idea to have everyone get inside and start a dance party. I looked at LD, the ladder you had to climb to get inside the velodrome and laughed. "There is no way I'm going in there, I'd never be able to get out". LD didn't think it was a bad idea, and he and my friend J totally peer pressured me into joining the dance party. So I climb the ladder Throw my leg over the edge, then I throw my other leg and slide all the way down, my legs shot out from under me and I crash onto the cement floor. LD helps me up and I stupidly thought I pulled that off nicely until a bunch of people came over to ask if I was ok. Besides that my hip hurt like a bitch and I was red with embarrassment, I was fine. LD, J and I danced for a little while and then LD said he was tired. I looked at the people - people far more flexible, athletic, tiny than me struggle to get out of the pit. The walls were slippery and people kept trying to run up, catch the edge and haul themselves over. Most did it pretty quickly but they weren't wearing cowboy boots with no traction. I started to panic, and when I panic I usually get angry. LD told me to just go for it. My first attempt was... sad? pathetic? those words just don't convey the hopelessness you feel as you slide down a wall. After a second ugly attempt, J's friend lent me her sneakers and without them I would have never been able to type this today. Thank you so much friend of J!
Friday night kicked off with a trip to an estate sale. LD is in the know in the estate sale world, which got us first dibs on an amazing collection of vintage woman's clothing. LD graciously let me go a little crazy and I ended up with a whole new wardrobe (well, sort of..I still need pants). Since this totally played into my new years resolution of not buying any brand new clothing, I felt no guilt and am supremely happy! here's two of my new dresses:
my phone camera does not do them justice at all! Anywho, after the estate sale we went to our friends bike party where i got to wear some of my new digs. We had a great time but were both exhausted by the time we got home. Saturday's perks were organizing my closet (took me about 5 hours - but I got rid of soooo much and hey ORGANIZE!) and going to New Seasons. We bought a ton of healthy, delicious food which will play in nicely with my goal to lose 25lbs. Sunday I went to church and taught, then LD and I went back to the sale to pick up a few coveted items
The Bad:
I've had a damn cold all week and it didn't want to let me enjoy my weekend, other than that and the fact that dinner last night took almost 2 hours to actually cook, it wasn't so bad.
The Ugly:
Maybe I should say the embarrassing. Friday night the party was in a big warehouse. In the middle was one of these, though a little less nice. Shortly after we arrived the crowd decided that it would be a great idea to have everyone get inside and start a dance party. I looked at LD, the ladder you had to climb to get inside the velodrome and laughed. "There is no way I'm going in there, I'd never be able to get out". LD didn't think it was a bad idea, and he and my friend J totally peer pressured me into joining the dance party. So I climb the ladder Throw my leg over the edge, then I throw my other leg and slide all the way down, my legs shot out from under me and I crash onto the cement floor. LD helps me up and I stupidly thought I pulled that off nicely until a bunch of people came over to ask if I was ok. Besides that my hip hurt like a bitch and I was red with embarrassment, I was fine. LD, J and I danced for a little while and then LD said he was tired. I looked at the people - people far more flexible, athletic, tiny than me struggle to get out of the pit. The walls were slippery and people kept trying to run up, catch the edge and haul themselves over. Most did it pretty quickly but they weren't wearing cowboy boots with no traction. I started to panic, and when I panic I usually get angry. LD told me to just go for it. My first attempt was... sad? pathetic? those words just don't convey the hopelessness you feel as you slide down a wall. After a second ugly attempt, J's friend lent me her sneakers and without them I would have never been able to type this today. Thank you so much friend of J!
Friday, April 1, 2011
3 years 7 months 15 days.....
I will be 30 on Oct. 15 2014, so I guess I have some time to cross things off my list, but I am a huge Procrastinator and I am sick of procrastinating. I'm starting this blog as a way to keep myself in check, truly focused on what I want. As much as I would love to get everything done right now, I (and my checking account..and I guess LD) know that it's not realistic. So instead I'm going to try to pick one thing off my list and try to accomplish that first, then move onto the next. While some things on my list are out of my control (I'm looking at you number1) and some will take some time (nearly all my travel plans), others might happen simultaneously. I have a plan (sort of) but I'm well aware that plans change and I will try to come to peace with that.
So since this is the start of a new month I'm choosing to start working on number 3! Lose 25lbs - well it should be lose 25lbs and keep it off for the next 3 years 7 month 15 days etc. Now, while part of me wants to do this because I really, really miss being able to fit into my adorable Marc Jacobs shorts - the other part is I am not healthy. I know I'm overweight and it affects too much in my life. I'm tired all the time, I never feel good and I'm sick of being sick. So with this blog as my witness today I'm starting to make a change! Yeah!!!! Healthy eating here I come. Oh and exercise! I am actually going to use my damn gym membership! (well maybe not today...there's a party tonight :) but tomorrow! )
Here's to a new beginning and the start of my lil project 3 years 7 months and 15 days in the making.
So since this is the start of a new month I'm choosing to start working on number 3! Lose 25lbs - well it should be lose 25lbs and keep it off for the next 3 years 7 month 15 days etc. Now, while part of me wants to do this because I really, really miss being able to fit into my adorable Marc Jacobs shorts - the other part is I am not healthy. I know I'm overweight and it affects too much in my life. I'm tired all the time, I never feel good and I'm sick of being sick. So with this blog as my witness today I'm starting to make a change! Yeah!!!! Healthy eating here I come. Oh and exercise! I am actually going to use my damn gym membership! (well maybe not today...there's a party tonight :) but tomorrow! )
Here's to a new beginning and the start of my lil project 3 years 7 months and 15 days in the making.
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