For the past two days I have been undergoing the preparation and administration of a couple of procedures (of which I will not go into too much detail) to deal with an ongoing um....tummy problem. Initial results were good, but I am still waiting to hear back about some biopsy results. While most of me is positive that the results will come back great, and that I will be happy to know that there is nothing wrong; the other part is terrified that this will be the case.
I don't want to be sick, but if this whole thing doesn't turn something up then I am back at square one trying to figure out what the hell is wrong. It's been two years and a string of doctors, who can't seem to figure it out. This makes me feel crazy and maybe it is all in my head. I don't want to go to another specialist and still not know whats going on. Maybe my issues with food has made my body afraid to deal with it (now if this meant that I actually lost a lot of weight and couldn't put it back on, well I would have a party... I kid, I kid). Maybe this is how my body has decided to deal with stress now, though I always thought it was satisfied with grinding my teeth. Maybe it is all in my head, maybe I want to be sick and so I'm making myself feel symptoms of being sick. This thought terrifies me the most.
I'm afraid that my longing to feel some sort of purpose or active engagement has made me want to be sick. If I had some sort of life altering disease it would force me to change the way I live. It would force me to change my diet, to figure out what it is that I truly want to do with this life, it would allow me to throw consequence to the wind and take the risks I've been afraid to take. This thought sickens me, to think that I'm waiting for a death sentence to jump start my life. I almost need there to be something wrong now, to prove that I am not the cause. I am so afraid that this is the cause, because how fucking pathetic is that? But if this is the case, if it is something I have brought upon myself, I am ready to face it, and overcome it, and jump start my life by myself.
I wasn't going to write this, I was going to write about my love for momblogs, and LDs birthday trip and post pics of really delicious food. But I need to start being honest with myself, I need to figure out a way to hold myself accountable and this place makes me feel like I can, like I should.
Shit.
