Food wars

I'm a girl, in case you didn't already know, and maybe it's because I'm a girl that I have issues with body image and food. Maybe it's genetics, maybe it's because I'm Catholic and we love to feel bad about things that make us feel good, maybe it's because I was a little on the chubby side when I was young, but food is a constant source of stress for me.

Food is always on my mind. When I get up to get dressed, I think about what I ate the day prior and how that might affect what I will look like in my black skirt. When I get to work I think about if I should have a cup of coffee, will eating a few pretzels ruin my day, will a fruit snack make me sick, if I have a soda now, can I can only have water tonight? Later in the day I think about what I will make for dinner, i look up recipes that sound amazing and then think about how I can reduce the calories and still get the good taste. On the drive home I think about how I should be at the gym, but I promised LD I'd help him, or I only had water at work all day maybe hitting the gym might be a bad idea. At home I think about how hungry I am and if I should have a snack, and if I have a snack what should it be, and if I start dinner now do I really need a snack? After we eat dinner I think about how much I want something sweet, and I wish that LD would go and buy something yummy for dessert. Then I think about how bad I feel when I look in the mirror, and then eat dessert anyway because there's always tomorrow. Then I spend the rest of the night thinking about how I should go to the gym, but I'm self-conscious about how I look in front of other people and what if it's crowded? Then I go to sleep and think about what I may eat tomorrow and how I can exercise to fight off the damage I've done today.

Food makes my day long. The thing is, I know I'm not fat. I know that I'm a little overweight and unhealthy and that is what needs to change, but knowing that doesn't make it easier to deal with. I guess it doesn't help much that my beautiful LD is super tall and super thin, and can eat anything and everything he wants. I hate it! I hate having to bargain with myself all the time, I hate that I don't go a day without stressing about what I eat. I just wish I had a gene that made this a non-issue. I wish that I didn't know what fat was. I wish that I didn't need a number on a scale, or a size label to make me feel worthy. I wish that most women in America didn't feel the same way I do. I wish I was strong enough to not give a damn.

I'm working on this. Every day, and I pray that trying to get healthy will help make this a non-issue. That when I splurge on a candy bar I won't fell like I just ran over a puppy. I'm not looking for a magic cure (though I've tried) I just want to feel normal, happy about what I see in the mirror. This is nothing new, nothing groundbreaking, so if you've read a thousand things like this before, Thank God I'm not alone.

So that was fun! Yea for feeling ugly and fat!! Next time I will reveal my fascination (re: obsession) with mommy blogs.