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The wall

You know how runners talk about "the wall"? And how after running for a long time, sweating, working your little butt off, burning countless calories, your body and mind just finally give up? Yeah that's what happens to me sitting on my little (ha!) butt watching a computer screen and listening to a various persons discuss the same thing for three hours EVERY DAY this week. Hello Wall! I have no more will to live, let alone actually be productive for the rest of the day. So Look! A picture!

AHHH got to love the crappy quality. That's me and LD with our good friends on a recent vacation. I particularly think this photo really captures LD's general disposition, look how jauntily he wears his Raccoon hat! Granted I think it may be made of one of my ancestors, but oh well star-crossed love stories usually end up with happy endings!

I make other people's dreams happen, I'm a Dream maker

What do you do when all LD's wishes come true? Well if you're me you simultaneously say encouraging, supportive stuff, and silently fume with jealousy while contemplating eating a rasher of bacon.

mmmm... bacon. now that's a dream I can get behind.

I love LD, no doubts about that, but why does the bastard have to be so young and talented and in demand? Plus He's SKINNY! and tall and all around adorable. And people have a "vision" for him, him and his usable set of skills. Fucker. I would probably love him more if he gained a ton, and became a recluse with no workable skills. Make that dream come true.

or at least the bacon. I'm hungry.

A weekend of disapointment

The weekend actually started out great, LD and I headed over to Costco for some good ole' Costco goodies. Had some fun trying on new glasses, which I desperately need....hmmmm maybe I should take pics of frames and ask for advice.... anyways we got a mountain of food goodies, and headed back home. We stopped for Sushi, and had the worst service ever, totally rude waiter trying to hurry us through dinner from the moment we sat down. It was super annoying, but we ate quickly, paid our bill and left. Then we made the first mistake of the weekend.

went to the Oregon Humane Society, fell in love with a dog (Harley a puggle mix who looked like a Labrador puppy, only 29 lbs and was 1year and 9 months old) we were ready to take him home, only to find out he already had three hold on him. So we left a little sad, and went home to watch Winter's Bone.

Good movie, disturbing, but I liked the lead girl and think she'll do a decent job playing Katniss in the Hunger Games movie.

Anyways, Saturday morning LD gets up at the crack of dawn to go to his beloved car show and get his hat and magnet. He's gone the last two years, and it's become his tradition. He left at around 6ish, around 7 I get a call. Someone had ran a stop sign and hit LD's truck. The truck couldn't be driven, and LD was banged up and pissed off. This truck is his baby, I'm somewhat convinced that he loves it more than he loves me, but I guess he has known it longer :). Anyways, 3 LOOOOOOOOONG hours later LD finally gets towed home, (I tried to go pick him up, but he refused, and since he is a stubborn ass sometimes, I stayed home) we then spend two hours at Kaiser getting him checked out. He's "functionally ok" but banged up and will be in some pain for the next couple of days. the Dr. tells him to go home, take some aleve and ice his back - which of course he does not do. Instead he decides he wants to buy a new washing machine since ours has started to leak and flood our basement. We spend the next couple hours shopping for a new machine, don't find one, so we head home.

The only highlights of Saturday were:
- an awesome package from my Dad containing Owl salt and pepper shakers, notecards and a music book
- the delicious Banana Chocolate Chip Cookies I baked SOOOOOOOOOOO YUMMY
- and "How to Train Your Dragon" which may be my favorite movie now.

Sunday LD slept until 1- and I didn't do anything productive, and I didn't go to Church. I missed my Mom, and wished I could hang out with her for Moms day.  We shopped again for a new machine and that was about it. I went to a Mirah and Thao show to do a review, it was a pretty good show, made me wish I could get up on stage again.

That was my weekend. It could have been so much worse and I'm soo lucky LD came out with just a few bruises. But Damn! Hopefully next weekend will be a little less drama filled.

The M Word

I realize that most bloggers with children Hate the term "mommy Blogger" and I apologize for using it - but Damn! I love me some Mommy Blogging! Of the 23 blogs I read (having already read ALL of their archives) only six are about women who don't have children - all though one of them is currently pregnant. I'm not sure why I am so drawn to these women since we don't have all that much in common, but I do know that they inspire me.

I figured out a while ago that I am not supposed to be a mother. LD and I have discussed it at length, and while I truly believe he would be an amazing dad, it's just not for us. The whole idea of pregnancy and birth, not to mention having to be responsible for another life Terrifies me. While LD may be a fantastic dad, I would be a terrible mother. I would be an neurotic, petrified, impatient, mother who would basically spend her life in fear of doing something wrong or losing my shit, or God forbid losing my kid. Those who may say "Oh you say that, but it's different when it's your baby" may be right, but for me it's just not an option. I know in my heart that I don't have the strength to to do it, and while that may change (who knows!) it is not something I see or plan for myself.

So I don't know why I'm hooked on these ladies stories -it's like crack! I read them, disagree with them, umm judge them (which obviously I have no right - but I'm human) and most of all I admire them. Not only for being moms, but finding time to write. These are women who are far busier than I am, and yet they find time to write, they turn their stories into books, they socialize with other amazing women, they cook amazing meals, they pour their lives out and for a couple minutes each day I get to see what it would be like to be a mother. While I can't see that life for myself I admire those who risk everything, sanity included, to be a mom. It's pretty fuckin cool. So here is a list of my top five favorite mommy bloggers:

Dooce (OF COURSE!! How could i not love a mom who loves the Arcade Fire?)
Julia (I wish you updated more often!)
The Underwear Drawer (who knew medicine and motherhood could be so entertaining!)
Reagan's Blob ( your story is amazing, and I LOVE your style, someday I will be able afford to come to NY and get you do cut my hair)
and last and totally most important: Reveling in the Moment - I may be biased, but you are one awesome mom with the most beautiful children, and you inspire me sooo much. Love you!

And to my Mom - who may not blog (and I'm super surprised she doesn't) although you may be the hardest woman in the world to shop for, you are my favorite mom ever. I miss you more than I ever thought I could, and I love you even more than that.

Happy Mom's Day

On the subject of writing

I should totally do it more.

And so should you, VP!

500 words by Monday...

Ready.....

Set.....

GO!

In which I am honest with myself

For the past two days I have been undergoing the preparation and administration of a couple of procedures (of which I will not go into too much detail) to deal with an ongoing um....tummy problem. Initial results were good, but I am still waiting to hear back about some biopsy results. While most of me is positive that the results will come back great, and that I will be happy to know that there is nothing wrong; the other part is terrified that this will be the case.

I don't want to be sick, but if this whole thing doesn't turn something up then I am back at square one trying to figure out what the hell is wrong. It's been two years and a string of doctors, who can't seem to figure it out. This makes me feel crazy and maybe it is all in my head. I don't want to go to another specialist and still not know whats going on. Maybe my issues with food has made my body afraid to deal with it (now if this meant that I actually lost a lot of weight and couldn't put it back on, well I would have a party... I kid, I kid). Maybe this is how my body has decided to deal with stress now, though I always thought it was satisfied with grinding my teeth. Maybe it is all in my head, maybe I want to be sick and so I'm making myself feel symptoms of being sick. This thought terrifies me the most.

I'm afraid that my longing to feel some sort of purpose or active engagement has made me want to be sick. If I had some sort of life altering disease it would force me to change the way I live. It would force me to change my diet, to figure out what it is that I truly want to do with this life, it would allow me to throw consequence to the wind and take the risks I've been afraid to take. This thought sickens me, to think that I'm waiting for a death sentence to jump start my life. I almost need there to be something wrong now, to prove that I am not the cause. I am so afraid that this is the cause, because how fucking pathetic is that? But if this is the case, if it is something I have brought upon myself, I am ready to face it, and overcome it, and jump start my life by myself.

I wasn't going to write this, I was going to write about my love for momblogs, and LDs birthday trip and post pics of really delicious food. But I need to start being honest with myself, I need to figure out a way to hold myself accountable and this place makes me feel like I can, like I should.

Shit.