Progress??

1. Marry LD
2. Walk across the St. johns bridge
3. Lose 25lbs
4. Visit KB in NYC
5. Visit CB in TN
6. Take LD to Europe
7. Write something of note
8. Adopt a puppy
9. Get a masters
10. build a bookcase
11. sing with a band
12. perform on a stage
13. learn to do my hair
14. do something charitable
15. get a 3^rd tattoo
16. Road trip
17. Run in a 5k
18. Create something to sell at Alberta
19. Buy a house
20. Find a career that speaks to me
21. Help LD start his business
22. Organize!
23. Meet new people
24. Learn another Language
25. Learn to weld
26. Get a massage on a beach in Hawaii
27. Throw an epic party
28. Decorate every home I live in
29. Read 100 new novels
30. Discover and become the person I was meant to be

Well two down....and already my goals are changing. I don't know that these goals are things I particularly want anymore and I'm not even a year into this exercise. I feel restless and I want to make some drastic change. It feels like I've been paused for the last few months and now I feel so far behind. I just can't seem to make the want to do something and the actual action connect. I hate that my life is so far from what I imagined and at the same time this is my life and I'm missing out on all the good things because they're not what I expected.


I want to get married, I do but I've been putting way to much pressure on myself and LD to make this the event that will kick start my life. I want to marry him because I love him and it's a step we want to take together..and it its been FOUR years, but I'm not making it fun anymore. I'm also not sure that marriage is the right thing for us and my religious guilt is just a crutch I'm using to push us both. I don't know. I think there's a lot I need to do for myself before we take that leap. Like dye my hair pink. I want to be selfish right now.


I think I may re-work my 30x30 list, a few tweaks here and there to reflect what I really want instead of what I think I may need to prove myself and make others happy. I think I'm also going to set up risks for myself. One a week. Today I'm going to run across the Broadway bridge all by myself, and then I'm going to do it 3 times a week from now on. 


I'm going to be 27 in less then a month. My sis is coming up and after her visit LD and I head to Vegas. I need to step up my game.

frustrations

I swear to the good Lord above - if one more person talks about their engagement I will scream.

too many negative thoughts right now.

too much to say

I know every person who starts a blog gets to the point where you stop writing and then so much time has passed you no longer no what to write because if you wrote about all the things that had happend, well it would take 2 weeks to read, and hell I don't have that kind of time.

Here are a few highlights from the last few weeks (months?)

• LD has given his 2 week notice, rented a space and will now be his own boss in his own upholstery shop. Once he is a little more established I will cross this off my list!
• Plans for a trip to Hawaii are in place... yay! Need to lose weight and buy adorable swimsuit!!!!!!!
• I've lost 3 lbs - although the chocolate croissant and orange mocha I just ate/drank ......
• I've read 4 new books, I think well at least 3  
• Everyone is coming to visit me!!!!!!!!!!!! Yay! Can't wait until next weekend and October!
• LD's sister is coming up next month to sell at the Alberta street fair, I may have to join her.
• Our house is Finally coming together - will try (and fail) to post pics soon.
• It's sunny and warm, and I can't help but be happy - Life is pretty good at the moment

27 is coming fast, so much to accomplish....

Oatmeal and other thoughts

Yesterday was Fathers' Day and I celebrated by eating some delicious oatmeal. My pops is awesome, and probably one of the better father's out there. I love him a whole lot, hence the eating of the oatmeal.

These types of holidays (Dad's day and Mom's day), well really any holiday where I'm not around, are hard. Hearing them have a great time without me makes me jealous of all the things I'm missing. Granted I chose to move 1000 miles away, but sometimes I forget just how far away I am. My family is amazing, I'm a lucky bastard, I know. It's just lately I've been feeling isolated. Lately it's been hard to listen to them talk about how much fun they all had together, especially when I'm not having all that much fun myself.

I've always had a problem with jealousy and pride. I want to be happy for the people I love, I want them to have nice things, and fulfill their dreams. I just want the same for myself. When they tell me how awesome their lives are, I want to tell them my life is awesome too! And when I can't, I can't talk to them. I've been having issues lately, nothing big, I'm just not awesome. I miss my group of girlfriends, but I can't talk to them right now, because I have nothing good to say. I haven't actually spoken to my best friend in months, we text and leave voice-mails, but we haven't caught up in a while. She is living her dream and thriving, and I hate not knowing all the details, but I'm also jealous of her success and I'm afraid of how small and unimportant I will feel after speaking with her. I'm an idiot for this, but I'm also tired of feeling like a failure. I have these grand ideas of how my life is supposed to be. It's not my life right now, and I don't really know how to make the life in my mind match up with reality. I don't want to keep saying it's going to get better, you're going to figure it out. I just want it to happen.

I'm tired of my self pity - and God, I feel for LD for having to put up with it. He is about to embark on his dreams, and I am so happy for him, but I've been such a naggy bitch lately. I'm so jealous of him, and I hate that I am. I hate that I begrudge him his success, because I'm not successful. I hate that I feel so shitty all the time and I have no reason too. I am blessed beyond belief, I am only 26, I'm employed, I'm in love with someone who puts up with my shit, I have a house (rented) and money (and debt - but eh) , I have an amazing family 1000 miles away who I will see in 3 weeks, I have faith, I had a good childhood, nothing seriously bad has ever happened to me and I know all this. I know how lucky I am, so why do I feel so fucking sad?

I'm tired of this post now. I'm tired of this subject in general, and I don't want to talk about it anymore. I know that I need to change my perspective, and continue to get out of bed, and continue to try. It's going to get better. Today I'll start running, and I'll clean my room and I'll make an amazing dinner and kiss LD's face off, and tomorrow I'll get out of bed again, and I'll keep getting out of bed and one day I'll figure out what I want to do with my life and I'll be happy. I'll be happy one day, and I guess for now that has to be enough.

some thoughts

I've been wanting to write a short story about breaking up with a boy who has just proposed, but I'm afraid people will take it the wrong way.

I get to see my whole family in a few weeks and I am so excited, although there will be a pool which means I will probably need a new bathing suit UGH. I am getting my wisdom teeth pulled next week so maybe not being able to eat anything solid for 10 days will make swim suit shopping a little less painful.

Part of this trip involves work - I am DREADING this part, mostly because I feel unprepared and I, um hate? the people I will have to see here.

But Nieces and Nephew! And HP and VP and M&D and BH and CC and CHILI's!!!!!!!!!!!! Nachos here I come!

I threw a spectacularly horrible party last weekend, it was sooooooooo awkward and just bad. I am trying not to dwell on it, I'm trying not to dwell on anything negative at all right now.

I am thinking of entering a 5k on July 30th, I think I can do it and cross it off the list. Then I will say I did it and never post anything about it, because I'm lame like that.

I want a new tattoo.

I also want a puppy.

It's June and Gloomy outside. What are the odds I'll actually try to run today?

creepy dream

last night I watched the new Extreme Makeover Weight loss Edition. It was disturbing and cheesy, and yes it did inspire me to work out, but it also inspired me to eat a burger with bacon, cheese and Awesome in the middle. I had no idea I'd come out of this show with a new recipe. Awesome!

I just posted the above when I realized I didn't say anything about my creepy dream where I had a baby and decided it was a good idea for LD and I to leave the newborn in my apartment while we went and got coffee. When we got back I was a little anxious as my neighbor threatened to turn me into the dreams version of social services. I luckily talked  her out of it by explaining that I was hormonal and that the baby was fine in its car carrier. It was weird. And creepy.

Bridges & Pigs

I've been meaning to write the post about how I walked across the St. Johns Bridge and crossed an item off my list and yada yada yada, but it's hard to revel in my bridge success when my jobs makes me feel like jumping from one. (a bridge, not a success- because you can't throw yourself off a success, it's not a noun). I hate that my awesomeness has been overshadowed with two shitty weeks of work,but what can you do? I guess I could quit, but the people are nice and the job pays for the mediocre lifestyle I've grown accustomed too. Not to mention that someone has to bankroll LD's new job, well if they want a share in the profits anyways. I look forward when I can finally be the woman of leisure I so desire to be. A day when I can make reading books in the park my actual job as I watch pigs fly over the horizon.

1 Down 29 to Go

The wall

You know how runners talk about "the wall"? And how after running for a long time, sweating, working your little butt off, burning countless calories, your body and mind just finally give up? Yeah that's what happens to me sitting on my little (ha!) butt watching a computer screen and listening to a various persons discuss the same thing for three hours EVERY DAY this week. Hello Wall! I have no more will to live, let alone actually be productive for the rest of the day. So Look! A picture!

AHHH got to love the crappy quality. That's me and LD with our good friends on a recent vacation. I particularly think this photo really captures LD's general disposition, look how jauntily he wears his Raccoon hat! Granted I think it may be made of one of my ancestors, but oh well star-crossed love stories usually end up with happy endings!

I make other people's dreams happen, I'm a Dream maker

What do you do when all LD's wishes come true? Well if you're me you simultaneously say encouraging, supportive stuff, and silently fume with jealousy while contemplating eating a rasher of bacon.

mmmm... bacon. now that's a dream I can get behind.

I love LD, no doubts about that, but why does the bastard have to be so young and talented and in demand? Plus He's SKINNY! and tall and all around adorable. And people have a "vision" for him, him and his usable set of skills. Fucker. I would probably love him more if he gained a ton, and became a recluse with no workable skills. Make that dream come true.

or at least the bacon. I'm hungry.

A weekend of disapointment

The weekend actually started out great, LD and I headed over to Costco for some good ole' Costco goodies. Had some fun trying on new glasses, which I desperately need....hmmmm maybe I should take pics of frames and ask for advice.... anyways we got a mountain of food goodies, and headed back home. We stopped for Sushi, and had the worst service ever, totally rude waiter trying to hurry us through dinner from the moment we sat down. It was super annoying, but we ate quickly, paid our bill and left. Then we made the first mistake of the weekend.

went to the Oregon Humane Society, fell in love with a dog (Harley a puggle mix who looked like a Labrador puppy, only 29 lbs and was 1year and 9 months old) we were ready to take him home, only to find out he already had three hold on him. So we left a little sad, and went home to watch Winter's Bone.

Good movie, disturbing, but I liked the lead girl and think she'll do a decent job playing Katniss in the Hunger Games movie.

Anyways, Saturday morning LD gets up at the crack of dawn to go to his beloved car show and get his hat and magnet. He's gone the last two years, and it's become his tradition. He left at around 6ish, around 7 I get a call. Someone had ran a stop sign and hit LD's truck. The truck couldn't be driven, and LD was banged up and pissed off. This truck is his baby, I'm somewhat convinced that he loves it more than he loves me, but I guess he has known it longer :). Anyways, 3 LOOOOOOOOONG hours later LD finally gets towed home, (I tried to go pick him up, but he refused, and since he is a stubborn ass sometimes, I stayed home) we then spend two hours at Kaiser getting him checked out. He's "functionally ok" but banged up and will be in some pain for the next couple of days. the Dr. tells him to go home, take some aleve and ice his back - which of course he does not do. Instead he decides he wants to buy a new washing machine since ours has started to leak and flood our basement. We spend the next couple hours shopping for a new machine, don't find one, so we head home.

The only highlights of Saturday were:
- an awesome package from my Dad containing Owl salt and pepper shakers, notecards and a music book
- the delicious Banana Chocolate Chip Cookies I baked SOOOOOOOOOOO YUMMY
- and "How to Train Your Dragon" which may be my favorite movie now.

Sunday LD slept until 1- and I didn't do anything productive, and I didn't go to Church. I missed my Mom, and wished I could hang out with her for Moms day.  We shopped again for a new machine and that was about it. I went to a Mirah and Thao show to do a review, it was a pretty good show, made me wish I could get up on stage again.

That was my weekend. It could have been so much worse and I'm soo lucky LD came out with just a few bruises. But Damn! Hopefully next weekend will be a little less drama filled.

The M Word

I realize that most bloggers with children Hate the term "mommy Blogger" and I apologize for using it - but Damn! I love me some Mommy Blogging! Of the 23 blogs I read (having already read ALL of their archives) only six are about women who don't have children - all though one of them is currently pregnant. I'm not sure why I am so drawn to these women since we don't have all that much in common, but I do know that they inspire me.

I figured out a while ago that I am not supposed to be a mother. LD and I have discussed it at length, and while I truly believe he would be an amazing dad, it's just not for us. The whole idea of pregnancy and birth, not to mention having to be responsible for another life Terrifies me. While LD may be a fantastic dad, I would be a terrible mother. I would be an neurotic, petrified, impatient, mother who would basically spend her life in fear of doing something wrong or losing my shit, or God forbid losing my kid. Those who may say "Oh you say that, but it's different when it's your baby" may be right, but for me it's just not an option. I know in my heart that I don't have the strength to to do it, and while that may change (who knows!) it is not something I see or plan for myself.

So I don't know why I'm hooked on these ladies stories -it's like crack! I read them, disagree with them, umm judge them (which obviously I have no right - but I'm human) and most of all I admire them. Not only for being moms, but finding time to write. These are women who are far busier than I am, and yet they find time to write, they turn their stories into books, they socialize with other amazing women, they cook amazing meals, they pour their lives out and for a couple minutes each day I get to see what it would be like to be a mother. While I can't see that life for myself I admire those who risk everything, sanity included, to be a mom. It's pretty fuckin cool. So here is a list of my top five favorite mommy bloggers:

Dooce (OF COURSE!! How could i not love a mom who loves the Arcade Fire?)
Julia (I wish you updated more often!)
The Underwear Drawer (who knew medicine and motherhood could be so entertaining!)
Reagan's Blob ( your story is amazing, and I LOVE your style, someday I will be able afford to come to NY and get you do cut my hair)
and last and totally most important: Reveling in the Moment - I may be biased, but you are one awesome mom with the most beautiful children, and you inspire me sooo much. Love you!

And to my Mom - who may not blog (and I'm super surprised she doesn't) although you may be the hardest woman in the world to shop for, you are my favorite mom ever. I miss you more than I ever thought I could, and I love you even more than that.

Happy Mom's Day

On the subject of writing

I should totally do it more.

And so should you, VP!

500 words by Monday...

Ready.....

Set.....

GO!

In which I am honest with myself

For the past two days I have been undergoing the preparation and administration of a couple of procedures (of which I will not go into too much detail) to deal with an ongoing um....tummy problem. Initial results were good, but I am still waiting to hear back about some biopsy results. While most of me is positive that the results will come back great, and that I will be happy to know that there is nothing wrong; the other part is terrified that this will be the case.

I don't want to be sick, but if this whole thing doesn't turn something up then I am back at square one trying to figure out what the hell is wrong. It's been two years and a string of doctors, who can't seem to figure it out. This makes me feel crazy and maybe it is all in my head. I don't want to go to another specialist and still not know whats going on. Maybe my issues with food has made my body afraid to deal with it (now if this meant that I actually lost a lot of weight and couldn't put it back on, well I would have a party... I kid, I kid). Maybe this is how my body has decided to deal with stress now, though I always thought it was satisfied with grinding my teeth. Maybe it is all in my head, maybe I want to be sick and so I'm making myself feel symptoms of being sick. This thought terrifies me the most.

I'm afraid that my longing to feel some sort of purpose or active engagement has made me want to be sick. If I had some sort of life altering disease it would force me to change the way I live. It would force me to change my diet, to figure out what it is that I truly want to do with this life, it would allow me to throw consequence to the wind and take the risks I've been afraid to take. This thought sickens me, to think that I'm waiting for a death sentence to jump start my life. I almost need there to be something wrong now, to prove that I am not the cause. I am so afraid that this is the cause, because how fucking pathetic is that? But if this is the case, if it is something I have brought upon myself, I am ready to face it, and overcome it, and jump start my life by myself.

I wasn't going to write this, I was going to write about my love for momblogs, and LDs birthday trip and post pics of really delicious food. But I need to start being honest with myself, I need to figure out a way to hold myself accountable and this place makes me feel like I can, like I should.

Shit.

Busy

After months and months of not having a ton to do - I am SUPER busy this week. It's kinda nice, kinda annoying, kinda stressful, but at least my day goes by quickly. So much to do and LD's mystery bday is this weekend. Finally my sweet young love will only be 2 years younger than me. YEAH! Maybe tomorrow will be a little less hectic and I can write something worth reading.

Food wars

I'm a girl, in case you didn't already know, and maybe it's because I'm a girl that I have issues with body image and food. Maybe it's genetics, maybe it's because I'm Catholic and we love to feel bad about things that make us feel good, maybe it's because I was a little on the chubby side when I was young, but food is a constant source of stress for me.

Food is always on my mind. When I get up to get dressed, I think about what I ate the day prior and how that might affect what I will look like in my black skirt. When I get to work I think about if I should have a cup of coffee, will eating a few pretzels ruin my day, will a fruit snack make me sick, if I have a soda now, can I can only have water tonight? Later in the day I think about what I will make for dinner, i look up recipes that sound amazing and then think about how I can reduce the calories and still get the good taste. On the drive home I think about how I should be at the gym, but I promised LD I'd help him, or I only had water at work all day maybe hitting the gym might be a bad idea. At home I think about how hungry I am and if I should have a snack, and if I have a snack what should it be, and if I start dinner now do I really need a snack? After we eat dinner I think about how much I want something sweet, and I wish that LD would go and buy something yummy for dessert. Then I think about how bad I feel when I look in the mirror, and then eat dessert anyway because there's always tomorrow. Then I spend the rest of the night thinking about how I should go to the gym, but I'm self-conscious about how I look in front of other people and what if it's crowded? Then I go to sleep and think about what I may eat tomorrow and how I can exercise to fight off the damage I've done today.

Food makes my day long. The thing is, I know I'm not fat. I know that I'm a little overweight and unhealthy and that is what needs to change, but knowing that doesn't make it easier to deal with. I guess it doesn't help much that my beautiful LD is super tall and super thin, and can eat anything and everything he wants. I hate it! I hate having to bargain with myself all the time, I hate that I don't go a day without stressing about what I eat. I just wish I had a gene that made this a non-issue. I wish that I didn't know what fat was. I wish that I didn't need a number on a scale, or a size label to make me feel worthy. I wish that most women in America didn't feel the same way I do. I wish I was strong enough to not give a damn.

I'm working on this. Every day, and I pray that trying to get healthy will help make this a non-issue. That when I splurge on a candy bar I won't fell like I just ran over a puppy. I'm not looking for a magic cure (though I've tried) I just want to feel normal, happy about what I see in the mirror. This is nothing new, nothing groundbreaking, so if you've read a thousand things like this before, Thank God I'm not alone.

So that was fun! Yea for feeling ugly and fat!! Next time I will reveal my fascination (re: obsession) with mommy blogs.

Guilty pleasures are a necessity

Last night I actually accomplished a few things - (I totally did them with the TV blaring in the background.. but baby steps). I cleaned the front room, organized my giveaway/sell pile, did some laundry, organized my craft box (ridiculously excited about that one), was about to finish my taxes, but got into a snit with LD instead. Stupid snit too - over dinner - because he waited to long to go pick up our food (v. tasty and healthy chicken and rice) and the place was closed by the time he got there. So I blamed him, behaved like a butt and ended up eating a home made bean and cheese burrito while he enjoyed a delicious looking meal from the Bah Mai(sp?) food cart up the street. So shame on me, but he was still a buttnut.

Anyways, onto my guilty pleasure. Soda. I have an interesting relationship with my stomach, where it basically hates that I exist and would like to punish me for anything and everything I decide to feed it. Makes for a fun work day, let me tell ya! Most of the time I can satisfy it by not eating, and drinking only water - but sometimes it needs, no demands soda. It may be mental, but nothing makes me or my evil stomach happier than a delicious cold carbonated beverage. I know there are some who are shaking their heads in disgust, "She's trying to lose weight and she doesn't eat AND drinks SODA!!!???" and it's true I know it's not healthy, but most days it's the only way I can get through and 8 hour day at work. In my defense I have tried to stay away from the evil sodas with high fructose corn syrup and don't drink anything with artificial sweeteners (nope, no diet soda for me!) and I usually only buy organic, natural bevs for the house. But what I wouldn't give for a delicious Sunkist! However my guilt has finally stopped the pleasure from ruling my drink choice.

I stand by my first statement. Some guilty pleasures are a necessity. Therefore my soda indulgence is an excusable offense!

At least that's what I will keep telling myself...

Motivation

I often think it would be awesome to be a stay at home lady of leisure, because I know I could get so much done. I know that instead of setting up reports, I would be at the gym. Instead of sending emails, I would be decorating and organizing the front room. Instead of creating events, I would be exploring my neighborhood, drinking coffee with friends, writing, cooking amazing meals and just being all around awesome. It just seems like it would be so much better for me to be at home, accomplishing the things that need to be accomplished, instead of at work...making money.

In reality I know that when I am home, my only priority is whats on TV. I have all these thoughts of what needs to be done, how I will do them in my head as I sit at my desk. The minute I get home, those thoughts, my good intentions flee as I sit my butt on the couch and flick on my other true love. I know LD hates it, but has also been drawn into it's magic power. He'll even sit through Gilmore Girls now, which is a sure sign that something needs to be done. I know that once I am home I probably won't leave, and on the weekends I want to be out of the house as much as possible because I have no resistance when it comes to the couch and it's counterpart. I've tried not to watch, not to turn it on at all, but I fail. I even tried canceling my Cable but it didn't work. I am pathetic.

In starting this blog I had it my mind that if someone else was holding me accountable for the things I say I want to do, then perhaps I might actually do them. So far, not working that great, but I am starting to feel guilty when I drive by my gym on my way home. I'm looking around my house and thinking "when I get this room together, I can take pictures and post them", which is a step in the right direction. While I may only have one follower so far (Hi V!) hopefully someday I'll have a horde of people who will help guilt me into making me the me I want to be!

So please internet friends who don't exist yet, (and possibly will ever exist), but may exist someday: Hold me accountable, cause Lord knows I sure as hell can't!

notes

• actually worked out last week (may have been only once, but I'm just gearing up)
• being paid to go to ikea and pick out furniture, after getting free sushi makes my job awesome
• the weekend was too short, but LD and I had fun going to hardware stores, arranging furniture, eating at 3 new places and of course bonding over the deals at Target
• I have a headache.
• I need a soda. (pref. an all natural type but I'd settle for a ginger ale)
• 3 hours 40min until home where I will attempt to hook up our wii so that I might dance myself into a fevered frenzie

Slacker

I am a slacker.

Four days in and I haven't gone to the gym once.

I have excuses; not feeling well; super tired; Gilmore Girls was on....

And the chocolate I ate last night? Well that had to be eaten or it would have expired, and I am not one to waste good chocolate.

Tonight I have actual things I need to take care of so no gym. Tomorrow, however, my shoes will be in my purse and I will go!

Maybe? Hopefully?

In other news I love my new vintage clothes! They have inspired me to actually dress up and try to look cute, which may not be much but I know LD sure enjoys it!

Weekend Breakdown

The Good:
Friday night kicked off with a trip to an estate sale. LD is in the know in the estate sale world, which got us first dibs on an amazing collection of vintage woman's clothing. LD graciously let me go a little crazy and I ended up with a whole new wardrobe (well, sort of..I still need pants). Since this totally played into my new years resolution of not buying any brand new clothing, I felt no guilt and am supremely happy! here's two of my new dresses:

my phone camera does not do them justice at all! Anywho, after the estate sale we went to our friends bike party where i got to wear some of my new digs. We had a great time but were both exhausted by the time we got home. Saturday's perks were organizing my closet (took me about 5 hours - but I got rid of soooo much and hey ORGANIZE!) and going to New Seasons. We bought a ton of healthy, delicious food which will play in nicely with my goal to lose 25lbs. Sunday I went to church and taught, then LD and I went back to the sale to pick up a few coveted items

and then LD and I made dinner and crashed on the couch. A tame end to a nice weekend.


The Bad:
I've had a damn cold all week and it didn't want to let me enjoy my weekend, other than that and the fact that dinner last night took almost 2 hours to actually cook, it wasn't so bad.

The Ugly:
Maybe I should say the embarrassing.  Friday night the party was in a big warehouse. In the middle was one of these, though a little less nice. Shortly after we arrived the crowd decided that it would be a great idea to have everyone get inside and start a dance party. I looked at LD, the ladder you had to climb to get inside the velodrome and laughed. "There is no way I'm going in there, I'd never be able to get out". LD didn't think it was a bad idea, and he and my friend J totally peer pressured me into joining the dance party. So I climb the ladder Throw my leg over the edge, then I throw my other leg and slide all the way down, my legs shot out from under me and I crash onto the cement floor. LD helps me up and I stupidly thought I pulled that off nicely until a bunch of people came over to ask if I was ok. Besides that my hip hurt like a bitch and I was red with embarrassment, I was fine. LD, J and I danced for a little while and then LD said he was tired. I looked at the people - people far more flexible, athletic, tiny than me struggle to get out of the pit. The walls were slippery and people kept trying to run up, catch the edge and haul themselves over. Most did it pretty quickly but they weren't wearing cowboy boots with no traction. I started to panic, and when I panic I usually get angry. LD told me to just go for it. My first attempt was... sad? pathetic? those words just don't convey the hopelessness you feel as you slide down a wall. After a second ugly attempt, J's friend lent me her  sneakers and without them I would have never been able to type this today. Thank you so much friend of J!

3 years 7 months 15 days.....

I will be 30 on Oct. 15 2014, so I guess I have some time to cross things off my list, but I am a huge Procrastinator and I am sick of procrastinating. I'm starting this blog as a way to keep myself in check, truly focused on what I want. As much as I would love to get everything done right now, I (and my checking account..and I guess LD) know that it's not realistic. So instead I'm going to try to pick one thing off my list and try to accomplish that first, then move onto the next. While some things on my list are out of my control (I'm looking at you number1) and some will take some time (nearly all my travel plans), others might happen simultaneously. I have a plan (sort of) but I'm well aware that plans change and I will try to come to peace with that.

So since this is the start of a new  month I'm choosing to start working on number 3! Lose 25lbs - well it should be lose 25lbs and keep it off for the next 3 years 7 month 15 days etc. Now, while part of me wants to do this because I really, really miss being able to fit into my adorable Marc Jacobs shorts - the other part is I am not healthy. I know I'm overweight and it affects too much in my life. I'm tired all the time, I never feel good and I'm sick of being sick. So with this blog as my witness today I'm starting to make a change! Yeah!!!! Healthy eating here I come. Oh and exercise! I am actually going to use my damn gym membership! (well maybe not today...there's a party tonight :) but tomorrow! )

Here's to a new beginning and the start of my lil project 3 years 7 months and 15 days in the making.

30 x 30

In no particular order:

1. Marry LD
2. Walk across the St. johns bridge
3. Lose 25lbs
4. Visit KB in NYC
5. Visit CB in TN
6. Take LD to Europe
7. Write something of note
8. Adopt a puppy
9. Get a masters
10. build a bookcase
11. sing with a band
12. perform on a stage
13. learn to do my hair
14. do something charitable
15. get a 3^rd tattoo
16. Road trip
17. Run in a 5k
18. Create something to sell at Alberta
19. Buy a house
20. Find a career that speaks to me
21. Help LD start his business
22. Organize!
23. Meet new people
24. Learn another Language
25. Learn to weld
26. Get a massage on a beach in Hawaii
27. Throw an epic party
28. Decorate every home I live in
29. Read 100 new novels
30. Discover and become the person I was meant to be

Tomorrow it starts!